PROFILES

Age: 18

Birthday: September 3

Lives off of Totinos and constant internal monologue. Stupidly loyal/Accidental comic relief. Will write fanfic by moonlight, but physically recoil if someone flirts with her by daylight.

Special Move: Crying in secret. Has a 100% success rate of tripping over flat surfaces, choking on water, and saying “you too” to workers who told her to come back again.

Weakness: Altruism, floofers, and anyone who laughs at her jokes.

Bonus Fact: Once tried watering a plant with only her tears to see if it would taste sad. Has a crack-level addiction to cheese.

Age: 23

Birthday: March 19

Charismatic, clever, steady under chaos. Has a knack for making people sputter and feel stupid. Effortlessly flirtatious to a fault.

Special Move: Summons a smolder so potent your ancestors blush with you. Laughs as you combust. Will roast you and you'll still thank him for it.

Weakness: Curves, bad decisions, and tacos de tripa.

Bonus Fact: Weaponized his sister’s breakup bouquet, dodged bullets in the nude, and almost lost a butt-cheek out-sprinting a rottweiler with nothing but a mixtape — All in the name of romance.

Age: 74

Smol. Sickly. Unyielding, Hates Grandpa with a slow-burn pettiness that could power a city. Technically not that old but has always felt as if she was born in gray-scale. Has a little bit of all her daughters.

Signature Move: Claims to have forgiven Grandpa while bringing up his "escape to another family" at every meal.

Weakness: Chisme and birds.

Bonus Fact: Married grandpa at 14 and bore 13 children. Known for her green thumb and chancla smiting accuracy.

Age: 81

Was once the hottest man on two continents. Back then? Women would write poetry about his jawline. Now? Sweet, wrinkled, and forgets his hearing aid.  [Redacted]

Signature Move: Never directly denies Grandma's accusations. Just smiles and blinks.

Weakness: Pretty women and double tortilla tacos.

Bonus Fact: Would go on "business" trips while collecting women like Pokémon.

Age: 38

Always looks like she's ready for the red-carpet — even at a tianguis.

Special Move: Eyelash flutter + backhand giggle while buying herself an entire new wardrobe.

Weakness: Has the sugar cravings of a racoon in a donut shop and probably eats frosting by the spoonful when no one is watching.

Bonus Fact: Looks like a totally different person sans makeup. Has dated the same gay guy twice.

Age:  43

Real-life angel who loves making your wishes come true. Could give Gordon Ramsey a run for his money. Work-a-holic/Family's emotional support marshmallow. Possibly a criminal mastermind.

Special Move: Giving sage advice while hugging you, flipping tortillas with one hand and seasoning pozole with the other.

Weakness: Relapse levels of hoarding. Cannot deny herself cute clutter or clothes.

Bonus Fact: Used to be a bully in grade school.

Age: 40

Resident bridge troll that exists solely to ask intrusive questions at family gatherings and to remind you how much weight you’ve gained. Judges you and won't hide it. Has a laugh that is highly contagious.

Special Move: Gaslighting you into submission, then "feels bad," when you actively avoid her.

Weakness: Goes from "strong-independent-woman" to "damsel-in-distress" when biceps appear. Is not above drooling like a public fountain.

Bonus Fact: Once tried to get herself arrested because the cop was "¡GUAPISIMO!"

Age: 57

Owns 3 Bibles, 5 Rosaries, and a direct landline to every family member. Innocent to her children's shenanigans. Almost became a nun, and it shows. Unknowingly raised the nation's hottest disaster.

Special Move: Praying the rosary super extended version.

Weakness: Doesn't gossip because — "I don't like to judge" — then immediately speed-dials the family hotline with updates. 

Bonus Fact: Cakes are never the same recipe twice. Every slice is Russian roulette.

Age: 42

Smol. Angy. Lives to be perceived. Will spread gossip at light speed across three households. Thrives on drama and is somehow always louder than the mariachi band.

Special Move: Interrupts your trauma to self-insert her own story and prove her life is worse than yours.

Weakness: Emotionally allergic to being wrong or hearing someone can "do it better".

Bonus Fact: Married soley to get back at her ex and to run away from the family. 

Age: 56

Ball of sunshine. Never not smiling. Goofy yet oddly charming. Was known as the town flirt — yet actively raised the three biggest shut-ins of the century.

Special Move: Says things like, "I'm just being friendly" while giggling like a Pixar chipmunk and getting 3 phone numbers on her receipt in one grocery trip.

Weakness: Long-winded visits over snacks, chisme, and soda.

Bonus Fact: Joined the church choir as a teen just to meet boys.

Age: 30

Amazon aficionado and the reason we leave the house 89% of the time. Consumes crime and horror media like it's oxygen, yet forces her siblings to stay awake until she falls asleep first.

Special Move: "Planning" parties/vacations before telling you it's already booked. Then the day of, she let's "Jesus take the wheel".

Weakness: Laundry day, staying home, and tortas.

Bonus Fact: Once got a $500 dollar ticket because Ronno was unbuckled in the front seat holding ice cream.

Age: 27

11/10 always serving runway looks, even at Carne Asadas. Is somehow always having a "blonde moment".

Special Move: Walking in platform heels, fit check every 10 seconds, and snapping selfies like a personal paparazzi. 

Weakness: Smol. Cannot reach the top shelf without assistance. Will spontaneously combust if in physical contact with a bug or broom.

Bonus Fact: Almost killed her husband after serving him raw chicken nugget tacos.

Age: 23

Hater of all. Lover of non (except Beth — begrudgingly ). Plays video games like it's a bloodsport. Will invite you to a match only to destroy you with ZERO remorse.

Special Move: Sniffing out your hidden stash of snacks and maintaining eye contact when confronted.

Weakness: Leaving his room/Apologizing/Dealing with, um — feelings??? What are those???

Bonus Fact: Once made up a song about butts to console Beth from crying. Is convinced she is the holy grail of luck and good fortune.

Age: 7

Powered by chips, Mario Kart, and Rupees. Would sooner perish than disappoint you. Feels everything at volume 100.

Special Move: Yelling "Cheater!" when losing.

Weakness: Boss fights.

Bonus Fact: Thinks friendship bracelets have more power than Excalibur.

Age: 6

Undisputed Princess of Ronno. Looks small but speaks more fluently than the president.

Special Move: Sparkly anime eyes you can't say no to and randomly blurting out what everyone else is repressing at the most inopportune of times.

Weakness: Cannot physically fit two corndogs in her mouth at once.

Bonus Fact: Has never lost an argument. Even the adults are scared.

Age: 3 months

Baby. Literally. Exists only to upstage Kairi with drool. Has already replaced the family chihuahua, Snoopy, as Ronno’s ultimate weapon of mass flirtation. 

Special Move: Jiggly cheeks.

Weakness: Diaper rash.

Bonus Fact: Knows he runs the house. Can and will cry at 3AM just to assert dominance.

Age: 26

A chill dude, unless family politics or ghosts are involved.

Special Move: 20 minute debates over which pizza to order.

Weakness: Saying no/Thinking for himself.

Bonus Fact: Still depressed over his first girlfriend.

Age: 20

Bandwagon fanatic. Love story connoisseur . Eager to please. Believes she is the unlucky heroine in a romcom.

Special Move: Boy Radar™ — detects crushes from 200ft away… only to repel them instantly, like bug spray. 

Weakness: Smiles but will obsess over whether you like her or not until she dies. 

Bonus Fact: Has a Spotify playlist titled “For My Future Boyfriend <3” with 174 songs. Still waiting.

Age: 32

Keeper of random strays and the world's largest nail polish collection. Will take random and embarrassing photos (with flash) and share them via family group chats without warning.

Special Move: Baking something delicious and “forgetting” to tell you the secret ingredient (acc. to my Mom).

Weakness: Undatable™.

Bonus Fact: During the deadliest hurricane of the century, she and her sisters bullied their dad into becoming Aquaman to save a squirrel.

Age: 19

Smol. Cute. Terrifying. Basically a feral kitten in human form. Will bite. Will not apologize. No respect for boundaries, rules, or laps. 

Special Move: Delivers tales so wild you’ll spend days wondering if they were ironic or a police report. 

Weakness: Highchairs and being grounded.

Bonus Fact: Out of pure spite, once

posted an accidental double-chin selfie of her mom from when she snooped through her phone.